Monday, February 25, 2008

2008 Election Results Released Early!

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early
Satire is a wonderful thing, and The Onion does it superbly!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Fool Me Once

Is there any possible language with which the American people could convince Ralph Nader that he's not doing what he thinks he's doing and that his Discordian efforts do not enhance the political process?

Ralph, go home. Find some productive way to help the country. Ban Heelies in malls or Razor Scooters on playgrounds. Start a campaign to educate Americans about the dangers of sending text-messages while driving. Turn your fund-raising efforts to helping the poor. Do anything other than run for president. We may have found you interesting when the horizon looked bleak and your line was the only glimmer of light, but you bore us now with your self-righteous criticism and your offhand divisiveness. There are enough factions working to fracture this country and drive people apart.

Nader, never.

Introducing the Trunk Monkey

I saw that BoingBoing had a link to a Trunk Monkey ad collection off YouTube and I just had to add it to our archives as well. These are among the more hilarious ads from days gone by, and I hope you get a good laugh out of them as well.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Stephen Hawking Will Kick Your Ass

Never mind the monkey-robot hybrids, at last the future promises us video game systems that function solely through the power of the mind! That's right. No more carpal tunnel. No more Nintendo thumb. (You might still have to get up off your ass for a little DDR, but first person shooters will never be the same.) It's the EPOC Emotiv headset, for all your neuron-empowered controller needs. This isn't a distant-future projection either. The new system is in beta-testing and is slated to be released by the end of this year.

This technology won't just read your intended action (shoot monster) but will also have access to your emotional response (yee haw! I shot a monster!) and the game will be able to reflect that accordingly. Your avatar might smile if you are happy, and your computer-generated companion might tell you your emotions were inappropriate (we must mourn the death of this noble monster). We can't wait!

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Censorship Alert

From the realm of miseducation, we bring you the further adventures of the deliberately ignorant conservative. A successful challenge was brought again the book And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell in a Virgina school. This is a children's picture book about two male penguins hatching and raising foster egg. Typical kneejerk conservative reaction: Sweet Jesus! This books promotes the homosexual agenda. Our children's eyes will explode if they read this. They may be compelled to tolerate the people we have dedicated intense hours to teaching them to hate.

First of all, if you want to know, the "homosexual agenda" is no different from anyone else's agenda. The homosexual agenda is: go to work, finish the laundry, clean the house, live my life without the unsolicited input of the people whose values conflict with mine. See? Gays and conservatives have a lot in common.

More importantly, And Tango Makes Three is a true story. Two male penguins living in captivity were trying to hatch a rock (not uncommon bird behavior, particularly among penguins, where the males share child-rearing duties fifty-fifty with the females), so the zookeepers decided to give them a fertilized egg, which they hatched and raised successfully. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the homosexual agenda. This is nature's agenda. Obviously, two male animals raising an orphan is better than no animals raising the orphan. Surely, even the most fundamentalist fundie can accept that argument. If you love babies, and the pro-lifers sure as heck claim to, then why wouldn't you love people who love babies? Is an alternative family worse than, say, death by exposure?

The censorship issue is, as always, a matter of common sense. You have the right to dictate your own child's education. You do not have the right to make that decision for other people's children. If you want to monitor every datum and cultural meme your offspring encounter, you can choose their books for them, homeschool them, raise them in a community of like-minded individuals. Quit attacking libraries for carrying interesting and relevant books. If you look for evil in everything, that's what you'll see.

Perhaps more important is the underlying text of this challenge: not the overt homophobia, but the baser assumption that men are unqualified to provide childcare, that only one male and one female bound together in hold matrimony can responsibly rear the young of our species to adulthood. Clearly, this is an insult to the thousands of single dads who adore and successfully raise their progeny, as well as every other form of family that exists in human culture. On the level of this book, it's an even stupider assumption. These penguins are genetically equipped, genetically disposed, in fact, to parent babies. Objecting to this joyous observation doesn't change the wondrousness of its existence. It doesn't negate the contribution of men to the child-rearing process. And it doesn't change the basic canon of human rights.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Quiet Strength

How can we resist posting this photograph of the world's smallest bodybuilder? He's 2'9" and weighs about twenty pounds. We think he is beautiful.

More great pictures in the link.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Anonymous takes on the Pastafarians

This is a wonderful parody of the Anonymous vs Scientology video created by Ed Adkins. Freakin hilarious... great stuff Ed!

Friday, February 8, 2008

Inviting Obama to Dinner

I just donated money to a political campaign for the first time ever last night, and I actually feel good about it... no I feel great about it. It was only $25, as I am no rich bastard who can toss bones about with ease, but I looked at it this way:

Would I buy Barack Obama dinner? Why yes, yes I would.

However I figured he is a busy fellow at the moment and it might be awhile before he has a chance to drop by my humble abode. So I sent him what I figured I would have spent on a nice little meal, and hopefully he can thank me by restoring some desperately needed sanity to our screwed up country.

If you feel the same way, then maybe you can buy Obama some dinner as well, fast food or fine dining, it's your choice... but it may just be the best damn dinner you never ate.

Nothing tastes better than well seasoned hope!

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Human-Made Age

This very interesting piece in National Geographic describes one more way in which human activities are impacting the natural world: global soil change. It argues that we are entering "a new period of geologic time: the Anthropocene, or human-made, age," and that, in the future, the impact of industry and human management will be apparent to observers.

"To future geologists...'the Anthropocene will appear about as suddenly as [the transition] triggered by the meteorite impact at the end of the Cretaceous" 65.5 million years ago, when the dinosaurs became extinct'."

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Rachael Ray's Garbage Bowl

From the "what the hell is this world coming to?" file, we bring you Rachael Ray's garbage bowl, eliminating a problem whose existence we never even noticed.

Rachael Ray, popular television cooking personality, explains that you can save time by keeping her garbage bowl in your work space rather than going back and forth to the trash whenever you want to throw something out. Of course, Rachael Ray does not suggest that you move your trash can closer to your work space, because that solution would not allow Rachael Ray to market a line of ugly plastic bowls, available at Target for $16.99, to people who think that a plastic bowl will make them just like Rachael Ray. According to Target's website, "Bowl lets you keep chopping and cooking rather than running back and forth to the garbage can • Place it next to your cutting board to start the timesaving and before you know it, you will be sitting down to eat." This is certainly an amazing innovation: a bowl that eliminates the tedious moments between preparing to cook and serving your meal!

Rachael Ray neglects to mention that the savvy shopper can purchase a 10-inch plastic bowl without her name on it for under $5. Rachael Ray also neglects to mention that the function of the garbage bowl might be filled by other items you no doubt already have lying around your house. Rachael Ray, apparently, is unfamiliar with the concept of the compost bucket.

This writer has been cooking for over 30 years, without the benefit of the Rachael Ray garbage bowl. (This writer is slightly uncomfortable with the idea of purchasing fresh new garbage bags, given the plethora of free plastic bags in our society.) In the past, this writer did work in institutional kitchens, in which large garbage cans were dragged to ones work station, magically eliminating the need for the garbage bowl, but the truth is, very few people generate this amount of waste preparing a single meal. Today, in her own home, this writer has solved the conundrum of the garbage bowl. She takes an empty plastic container, generally one that previously held feta cheese or yogurt, and deposits compostable waste from the cooking process into this vessel. The added benefit is that they come with their own lids, so you can discourage insects and avoid spills if you're too busy to dump the content into the trash or compost. Generally, they can be recycled if they crack, and you can easily amass a number of them. This also eliminates the need for Tupperware.

Of course, this solution does not help pay the mortgage on Rachael Ray's summer home, so there's a consideration. Then again, it also doesn't fuel the demand for crappy non-recyclable plastic in a world intent on consuming itself. The choice is yours.

Friday, February 1, 2008

A Love Letter

Dear Barack,

Omigod, you've GOT to know I like you. Yes, like you like you. I mean, I voted you into the Senate when I was still registered in Illinois, right? I know it was a long time ago, but I never stopped liking you. I like you a lot. I really, really, really want you to be my president, even though it means some asshole will probably try to shoot you, but Barack, omigod, I would totally throw myself in the path of the bullet. I mean, if you thought it would help. If you didn't have the Secret Service and all to do that for you.

The thing is, I'm scared, you know, 'cause of all the other politicians who've let me down in the past. I mean, what's up with Hillary? I used to like her a lot, too, until she was all like, it would be so cool if we started shooting people in the Middle East until there was no one left to shoot. And that jerk Nader, he messed my whole world up, and he never even apologized. And Gore. And Kerry. And Dean. They really let me down. So it's hard for me to trust.

barack obama

I remember, a long time ago, like when you were running for Senate, I read that The Autobiography of Malcolm X was, like, one of your favorite books. And I thought that was so cool, but just now I noticed on your Flickr page you don't list that anymore. Well, I guess I understand, what with all those totally false rumors that certain conservative pundits have been spreading about you. You know, I totally love Toni Morrison and Shakespeare, and Emerson too, so I still think it could still work out between us, even if you sometimes have to hide how cool you really are.

Just don't, you know, change. Don't let me down. Don't turn into a conservative when my back's turned, like certain Democrats I could mention, or wuss out on your beliefs, or starting thinking you're too cool for people like me. Just stay yourself and I'll totally be your girl forever.

Barack (that's, like, Arabic for "thunder," right? that is SOOOO cute), I think I really believe in your kind of change. Like, I think you're the president who can lead America in the the twenty-first century. I know it will be hard, what with certain people whose names we don't have to mention dragging us all back to the Middle Ages with like, the Inquisition and the Crusades and all, but we could totally go all the way, and I mean that.

Please, just be who I think you are. Like, don't be a politician, you know, just be a person who believes in, like, the Constitution, and you know, the Declaration of Independence and the Bill of Rights. That's all. Just be a real American. At this point, any president who isn't a pawn of the oil or arms industry would seem pretty cool to me. And I really, really like you.

Socialized medicine if you like me back, OK?