Anne Sowards
Editor
Ace/Roc Science Fiction and Fantasy
Penguin Group (USA)
375 Hudson Street
New York, NY 10014-3657
Dear Anne Sowards,
Thank you for your kind letter (undated) which arrived today in the morning post. How did you know that after "Dragon," "Goddess," and "Your Divine Excellency, Queen of the Blogosphere," "Author" is the nickname I prefer most? How astute of you. You at Ace/Roc are pretty swift on the uptake. Just think, I submitted to you my 30-page writing sample only eighteen months ago, and in just a short year and half, you were able to read all 30 pages and determine that you could not make it "into a success" in the "current crowded market". Is that the current market of today, or of 2005?
You must have given those 30 pages quite a thorough read in this time. Not like the folks at DAW. Even though they're a much smaller company, they managed to let me know that my complete, 550-page manuscript was worthy of a second look, and they're so unprofessional they actually pulled it off in under two months! Can you believe that? What a lame, superficial reading they must have given the book, considering they had the whole thing and they actually liked it. Well, if you cannot make my book into a success in the current crowded market, I'm sure nobody can.
On the other hand, perhaps I don't need you to "make" my book into a success. Perhaps it's already successful without your help (not a financial success, of course, but is that how we as artists ought to judge a manuscript?). Actually, do you even know what you're rejecting? Eighteen months is a long time. The book's been revised since then; a good deal of those 30 pages no longer exists. You were probably right to reject it. Most authors today are looking for editors to take their raw, unsculpted lumps of clay and mold them into another mass marketing success. I'm just a star-eyed idealist for thinking someone might want to read a book because it has an interesting story with complex characters, relevant themes, and thoughtful prose.
To be honest, I had given up on ever receiving my precious rejection from your company. Over six months ago I sent you a letter asking if you'd even seen my submission. You graciously replied by checking a box to indicate that you had it in your possession but hadn't read it. I don't believe that, though. I know you were giving it careful consideration. I know because I read between the lines of your letter today. You appreciated the opportunity to "see" my "material" and you wish me "the best of luck with other publishers." Not only did you thank me for submitting my work to you, you thanked me for thinking of you! So I say, "No, Anne Sowards, thank you." Thank you for your time and effort. Thank you for providing me with a much better understanding of how unsuccessful (read: unmarketable) my work really is.
Sincerely,
"Author"
P.S. What I can't understand is why everyone who's actually read the whole thing loves it. Can you explain what else I need to be a success? Would it help if I stopped using big words? What if I change my name to Danielle Steele? Actually, VC Andrews would be better. Considering that she died over two decades ago and is still cranking out bestsellers once or twice a year, she's probably too busy to follow up on identity theft.
******************************************************************************
Well, that's my stab at it (mmm...catharsis) but I'll never rival the great Gahan Wilson, still kicking ass at, I believe, the age of 76. Sadly, I can't find a copy of the cartoon I'm thinking of, but it's just an angry guy at a typewriter. The text reads something along the lines of: "Dear Editor, I find your rejection letter turgid, mealy-mouthed, and insipid. In short, I must reject your rejection."
Anyone else have a snarky response to an underwhelming form letter?
PERMALINK
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
billet-doux
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Water from the Wind: A World Changing Invention?
Let's hope this Aussie's new invention pans out, because it just might be one of the most important I have ever heard of. Max Whisson has crafted a process which produces free, clean water by extracting it from the air with a unique new windmill design. Designed with arid environments such as the Australian Outback in mind, this could be one of the most important inventions of the last 100 years. Follow the link above to learn more about the details of the windmill, but I am going to talk a moment about just why it is such an import idea.
Think about the impact that such a device could have if its inventor's claims are proven true...
Even the most arid climates still have water trapped in the air, and usually with wind aplenty whipping about. Because there is no outside power requirement of any kind, windmills like these could be set up around the world to provide for critical water needs in desert regions with failing wells. They could also allow for individual water independence just about anywhere. I live in Tucson, AZ where water concerns are quite real, and the idea that my neighbors and I could individually extract part or all of our personal water needs with out drawing from an already taxed local water table, is simply astounding. To do it all with wind power is icing on the cake for me, but is the critical win for so many other regions of the world where sun and wind are the only power sources available.
With an ever increasing world population, especially in dangerously arid areas such as Africa and the Middle-East, conflicts and even wars over the region's limited water resources are a reality, and one that can only get worse as the water tables continue to drop, and food supplies become tighter and more expensive. With with little if any ground water available, and no way to transport the quantities needed to struggling outlying areas, the idea that windmills such as these could be installed in villages to pull crop water from the air... turning dead, arid regions into lush valleys, is a very real possibility for the first time.
Remember as well, we are not merely talking about pulling water from the air in regions with little available... but clean, desalinated, purified fresh water in regions where the existing water resources are also often horribly polluted, or largely salt-water. Considering the potential value of this the world over, I hope Mr. Whisson finds plenty of people willing to fund the next stage of his research, and then brings it to the world as affordably as possible.
You hear me Mr. Gates? This is one of those times where throwing some that giant pile of money around really could have a world changing effect.
PERMALINK
Painted Cocktail Shakers from Woodeye.com
I currently have 3 different designs (with more coming) and many color combinations for my 16 oz painted and etched cocktail shakers. They are all painted with dishwasher safe, oven hardened glass paints and then etched with one of my original designs. Every shaker is made one at a time, and custom colors can be requested for no extra charge. For more details you can click here or go to WWW.WOODEYE.COM.
Real-Time Disasters of the World
This is both fascinating and frightening. It may take a bit to load, but the wait is worthwhile, as you are able to see real-time reports of earthquakes, major fires, outbreaks, industrial accidents... etc, from all over the world. Clicking on the icons then show details of the event as well as a zoom into the area via Google Earth. I think I will avoid the Far East today...
PERMALINK
Friday, January 26, 2007
In the What?
Why weird? Weird has its roots in a separate soil from words like odd, anomalous, bizarre, and strange. Strange is out of place. Weird is always in its own place. Its archaic roots refer back to fate and destiny, the inescapable and the supernatural. Weird is extraordinary, inspired. Weird doesn’t apologize or excuse. It simply acts according to its own counsel. Back in the day, many of us attended the fabled Antioch College, where the comment, “You’re weird,” must always be answered with, “Thank you.” Weird refuses to pretend that normal is a virtue.
Weird perceives the truth and expresses it after its own fashion. In Macbeth, the trio of witches--weird sisters--tells the hero everything in such a way that he understands nothing. “Macbeth shall never vanquished be until Great Birnam wood to high Dunsinane hill Shall come against him.” You can't be defeated, they say, until the forest comes to you. They don’t tell him that his enemies will cut down trees and use them for camouflage as they creep up to his front door. Weird doesn’t choose to explain. Weird wants you to see, or not see, with your own eyes, regardless of whether it’s out of the box, out of the building, out of the solar system, or out of the universe.
As artists, we all trust within ourselves that thin silver cord of inspiration, the assurance of weirdness, which promises that our vision is unique and worthy of coming into the world. It takes tenacity to listen day after day to an ephemeral muse and repeat day after day her secrets to a world that might mock her vision. It takes a strong belief in the power of weird and an understanding of why it’s necessary in a world of normal. It takes the knowledge that the creation of new and unique things is imperative, yet only possible to those who trust the power of their own weirdness.
We are in the weird.
PERMALINK
The Great Flydini
Some may argue that like Chevey Chase, Steve Martin awoke one day with his funny having been sucked out in the middle of the night via a CIA plot or some Alien anal probulators... but I disagree. He was a funny man back in the day, and is still a very funny man even now that he decided to stop dying his hair grey. This little clip is Steve Martin at some of his very best from an old appearance on the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson... enjoy!
PERMALINK
Sunday, January 21, 2007
Welcome to In-the-Weird!
Soon we will bring to you a vast variety of randomness that shall coat your eyes with a glistening goo and only burn slightly. Remember please don't rub your eyes, it will only make it worse, and don't forget to blink every few seconds. If the burning continues then Dr. Woodeye recommends the wonder cure that is pure concentrated lemon juice. Yes lemon juice, straight from that conveniant little plastic lemonesque container you buy at the grocery store squeezed directly into your itchy swollen eyes is sure to help immensely.
In fact you may want to go give yourself a squirt in the eyes right now just to get all prepped and ready for the explosive trickle of entirely questionable material that may soon dance upon the photons now chewing their way so very deeply into that luscious optic nerve of yours. So very delicious.
If you would like to contribute in some absurd manner, or even in an occasionally non-absurd one, then please be sure to drop a post here. We will soon offer original material in the form of book reviews, horror film reviews, artistic discoveries, and pimpery of our creations and those of other artists we like... and that's just what we've thought of so far.
That's all from me for now, but Dragon will drop in shortly to get things rolling along.
More soon!
woodeye
PERMALINK
