Internet Dating Tips #5

In the continuing saga of my hilariously sad social life, we bring you another installment in the ever popular series of documented human misery. This week, we cover the brush-off, with the phrase, "Be honest," as our guiding principle.

It may seem, from an unexamined point of view, that people prefer, under any circumstances, to hear nice things, to be reassured that they are desired, to experience the sensation of anticipation for the future. In general, these sentiments are not so far off, but in specific they don't work if they are based on lies. For instance, if you have no intention of going on a second date, here are some examples of what not to say at the end of the first date:

"Of course I'd like to see you again."
"I'll call you to make plans for Friday."
"You're so interesting. I can't wait to learn more."

Why not, you might ask? Isn't it kinder to tell people the sort of things they want to hear? While you may be a lying, conniving, cheating bastard who automatically assumes everyone lies as much as you, your date could, in fact, be an honest person, who naturally assumes everyone around them is just as truthful as they are. What falls from your mouth as a meaningless pleasantry could possibly be taken as a statement of fact by someone who will later be confused and then hurt over your failure to follow through.

What line would be more effective in this situation? How about the honest let-down:

"Thanks for a nice time. You seem like a great person, but I don't foresee a relationship. It was nice meeting you. Good luck finding that special someone."

Corny? Perhaps. And yet, notice you have actually said kind and thoughtful things without forcing your date to imagine that there will be some future to your relationship. They can file you in a drawer marked "past" and move on. You only need to hurt them once, rather than repeatedly over a prolonged period.

What if you make a date anyway and then suddenly change your mind? Some people believe that simply postponing indefinitely is a sweet way to let your date down without rejecting them head on. Again, what this does is stretch the rejection. Where you might have ended their misery with the honest let-down, you are instead choosing to dangle them for days, or weeks, or even months, depending on their level of naivete and trust.

Let's review.

Wrong: "I'm really busy right now. I'll call you next week." (Repeat as necessary.)
Right: "I don't think this will work out. I'm sorry. Best wishes."

Provided your date is not a psychopath, the right answer will end your contact once and for all, which is, presumably, what you want. The wrong answer will result in the confused date waiting for your call, or even trying to contact you to find out if everything is all right. The indefinite postponement may actually result in the opposite of the intended effect. If you don't want to go out with someone again, why would you let them think you did? If you don't intend to go out with someone again, it seems silly to let them labor under that illusion. This is a cowardly thing to do. The only more cowardly way to break a date is to use the same line over email or text message. Seriously. If you change your mind, be an adult and say it.

We don't have time to discuss those selfish folks who use legitimate dating sites to facilitate sexual hook ups with unsuspecting partners in search of long-term relationships, except to remind readers that adultfriendfinder.com exists for that purpose, and a person whose profile reports they are looking for marriage and children is most likely looking for marriage and children. But let's say you're exactly that type of unscrupulous bonehead who trolls dating sites to get laid, and you've fooled someone into having sex with you, and now you don't want to have sex with them anymore. If you have gleaned the point of this essay, you can probably guess which of the two following actions is correct:

A) Say, "I'm sorry. It's over. I'm not mature enough for a real relationship."
B) Make a date for the next day. Fail to show up. Don't answer your cell phone when they call. When they come to your house to see if you're OK, apologize, explain that you have psychological issues, promise to make it up to them. Take them out to dinner, have sex, make a date for the next day, fail to show up, and don't answer your cell phone when they call.

If you guessed that B leads to an endless cycle of pain and suffering, congratulations. You're not as big an asshole as many people on Internet dating sites.