Dinosaurs, sexbots, and liquor, oh my!

It's time once again for a look at the news. You certainly don't have anything better to do than laugh at the world, or you wouldn't be here.

First off, we have the miraculous discover of Shackleton's whisky. It seems that when the polar explorer departed from the antarctic, he left behind five cases of booze. And, according to experts on the subject, this century-old liquor was made with a lost recipe. And modern analysis will allow us to recreate this recipe. And modern seekers of the pure water of life will be able to taste history! This is almost as exciting as the news about polar fungus that is slowly destroying the buildings Shackleton once took shelter in.

Next, we have the exciting news that fossil remains of pigment sacs called melanosomes are helping scientists determine what color some dinosaurs actually were. Every year, dinosaurs look more and more like birds.

Complicating the debate on consciousness is new research demonstrating that, in some cases, it is possible to communicate with vegetative patients by scanning their brains after asking yes or no questions. We're just dying to see where this goes.

And last but not least...sexbots! Yeah, we're a little bit late with this one, but in case you haven't already heard, your $6000 Real Doll is now obsolete. For a few thousand more, you can have Roxxxy, the doll that holds your hands, carries on a conversation, and has orgasms. She is programmed with five different personalities, depending on your preference, is wifi ready, and can receive software updates. Now you have another excuse for being a great big nerd who never gets off the Internet! Yay!

RIP Howard Zinn

If you've never read A People's History of the United States, now would be an excellent time to do so. Radical, controversial genius Howard Zinn passed away yesterday at the age of 87. A lifelong activist and celebrated revisionist, he spoke openly for the rights of those suffering from injustice, and worked to shed light on subjects left long hidden in the dark.

It's Hard to Stay Weird

Seriously, why do I keep blogging? There's a million crickets chirping in the night. There's maybe six sets of ears listening. And three of those pairs probably belong to cricket-eating predators. Who cares?

It's great that some folks are blogging for a better day. It's great that you can text "HAITI" to 90999 and donate $10 to the Red Cross. No fuss, no muss, just that great feeling that you've done something. It's great that Americans, dredging themselves out of an economic depressive, can offer lip service, money, and action to the billions of people less fortunate than we are. It's easy to feel like you've made a contribution.

On the other hand, it's easy to forget that there was a massive tragedy in Haiti because the developed world has spent FIVE HUNDRED YEARS ignoring millions of small tragedies taking place every single day. A country that once looked like nothing so much as paradise on earth, is 95% deforested. It took a slave revolution to create two centuries of dictatorship and social unrest. Even before 200,000 people died in an earthquake, living in Haiti was not easy.

And the same things are going to continue happening: in Haiti, in Indonesia, in Africa, in America. Every day, little kids and young women are being sold into sexual slavery. Every day, profit-minded business people are exploiting environments and cultures they don't live in to squeeze out a few extra dollars. Every day, organized crime is wielding untoward influence and negating the potential for peace. There is war and ethnic violence and a growing gap between the rich and the poor, while the planet's resources are sullied, wasted, hoarded.

And a million crickets are chirping in the night.

Anyway, happy effing New Year. Now that this is out of my system, we'll try to return to our regularly scheduled program of mayhem and mirth.

The Dead Zone

If you pay any attention to web analytics, you're well aware that Internet traffic begins to drop off around Thanksgiving. Sure, you have your cyber Monday shoppers (not to mention your last-minute-can-you-send-that-express shoppers) along with all those happy bloggers posting photographs of their adorable grandchildren's first Christmas, their cats wearing festive hats, their great-aunt Tildy's gingerbread recipe, and all the snow from which they just dug out their car, but by and large, after Thanksgiving, most of us are too busy getting ready for the end of December to kill fifteen minutes online.

Of course, the deadest of the dead time is...this week. Students are still enjoying quality time with their families before they head back to school for the new semester. Young couples are still enjoying fabulous tropical vacations without a care in the world. A lot of us are off work, and don't need the distraction of the Internet to fill up our otherwise meaningless work days, and those of us who do have to work this week, well, those folks are working. Mostly taking care of the rest of us.

So blogging the last week of December hardly seems worth it. But then again, if you know anything about web analytics, you're well aware that Google doesn't go on vacation. Google's working as hard as ever, crawling your pages and ranking them. Google has no family to go home to. Google doesn't take a break, and if you want Google to notice you, you can't take a break either.

Merry, Merry

Today is the winter solstice, and all across the northern hemisphere, celebrations are underway. The light will turn, the days grow longer. Winter, though perhaps just getting started, will assuredly end. Only a mere 3 months to the vernal equinox!

Many people choose the holiday season to donate to charity or volunteer their time, but, since I volunteer approximately 10 hours a week during the school year, it's time for me to take a break from doing good and spend 2 weeks taking care of myself.

This year, I've been acting as volunteer librarian at a local elementary school, which puts me in close proximity to 100s of developing minds. On Thursday afternoon, shortly before the beginning of break, an inquisitive 4th grader asked about my Christmas plans. I explained to her that I was Jewish, because that was much easier than detailing my actual spiritual beliefs, which could fill a book, or be summed up with the word, "pantheist." Neither explanation seemed suitable.

After a few minutes, my young friend came back. "What do Jewish people do on Christmas, anyway?"

"I enjoy the silence," I told her.

"You like that?"

"Very much."

In reality, there are Jewish Christmas traditions. Jewish people, like other people, go to movies on Christmas day. I have a friend whose tradition is to see 3 movies every Christmas. What else is there to do? We have no compulsion to spend quality time with our families.

(In fact, my parents were married on Christmas Day, so you'd think we would be forced to do quality time, but that's not our tradition. As a child, we spent both Christmas and New Year's Day in the airport. They are excellent times to fly: there are few travelers, many seats, and no fare blackouts.)

But in fact, there is another Christmas tradition celebrated by Jews around the country, and it is this: we eat in Chinese restaurants.

No joke.

Think of it. The goyim, as we say, are otherwise occupied. The Chinese owners are often Buddhist and have no reason to close. Across America, Jewish families (those whose kashruth is sketchy or nonexistent) are enjoying fried rice and egg drop soup in virtually empty restaurants, where there is no waiting for tables, and the service is attentive and excellent.

This is no secret in the Jewish community. Anyone raised with the least snippet of assimilation, any Jewish kid whose family allowed them to eat in non-kosher restaurants, has enjoyed the warm hospitality of the Christmas Day Chinese feast. The snow falls gently outside. The TV above the bar plays only pleasant footage. The steam from the teapot wafts gently over the table. And we Jews escape the commercialism, the forced joviality, and the implication that our religion was hijacked some 2000 years ago. Through the grace of the open-on-Christmas Chinese restaurant, Jewish Americans experience the true meaning of Christmas.

Crispy egg rolls and fortune cookies.

Excuse me. Family togetherness.

Yum.

Weird enough for ya?

Here's a heartwarming human interest piece to delight this holiday season: 98-year-old woman strangles 100-year-old roommate.

Yes, I recall, ages ago the drama of junior high, the torment of girl against girl. I recall thinking wistfully to myself, "Someday we'll all grow up and all this childish bullshit will be a thing of the past."

No! I'm here to tell you, it never ends! Some people will never grow up! Thirteen lives in the heart of us all.

To Serve Mankind

As you can see, this image comes from My First Fail: Adorable Funny Baby Photos, where you can see pictures of kids being kids (as opposed to the rest of the Internet, where we see pictures of kids trying to be adults) as well as pictures of kids whose parents don't love them very much. But obviously, this kid's parents adore him.

Or possibly his grandparents. You know: "You're so cute! I'll eat you up!"



But children are irresistibly delicious. Everyone knows that. They usually come pre-seasoned with sugar. Their flesh is delicately marbled. They're not full of hormones and antibiotics and steroids. They're free from disease. If you're going to engage in cannibalism, you want to eat a child. Grown-ups are stringy and bitter.



Come to think of it, it's a wonder any of us make it to adolescence, given how yummy we are.

Good things come in small packages?

I don't have anything to add to this story about a very small woman giving birth. I just wanted to post her photograph.



Isn't she amazing? According to the article she's currently "as wide as she is tall." Lots of medical details in the link, plus photos of the whole family.

I Am a Credit Card Deadbeat...

...and you can, too!

All kidding aside, I am a credit card deadbeat, and have been for over 17 years. In fact, from the first moment credit was issued in my name, I've been a deadbeat.

That is to say, my credit card company never makes a penny off of me. In fact, I make money off of them. It's too easy. Choose a card that offers cash back on all your purchases. Only buy things you would buy if you didn't have credit. Pay off the balance, in full, every month.

I know it's opposite what most Americans have been taught, but I was brought up with this bizarre, unamerican ideal: if you can't afford something you don't buy it.

Radical. I know.

Now, clearly this does not help folks with unexpected, unavoidable expenses like medical bills (that's another post) but at the same time, Americans' use of credit, and our desire to possess expensive things is ridiculous. If you have $6000 and you need a car, it's just stupid to blow it all on a down payment for a fancy new car and then add thousands of dollars to the price of the car and hundreds of dollars to your monthly expenses. You're much better off buying a decent $5000 car and using that extra money to fix it up so it's completely reliable. No monthly payment. No interest payments. No debt.

That's how I roll. Plus, I've been driving the same car for 11 years.

Don't buy crap you don't need. Don't pay more than you can afford for the stuff you do buy. Don't use credit to give yourself the trappings of a live you don't live. Don't accrue debt to maintain a "lifestyle."

I've heard that credit card companies hate people like me, but I receive, on average, three solicitations a week, all from major credit card companies, practically begging me to take out a line of credit. They all want my business, although I have always lived below the poverty level.

In addition, my credit card company is a good friend. When I do, occasionally, make a late payment, I simply call them up and apologize, and they check my record, see that I always pay my debt, and they erase any late fees I've accrued. It's true. Further, if I ever have a dispute with a merchant regarding something purchased with my credit card, I call the credit card company and they solve the problem for me. In fact, on occasion, all I had to do was threaten a merchant with my credit card company, and they fixed a problem they swore could not be fixed.

Now that I'm in the process of buying a house, some people have tried to encourage me to borrow just a little bit more money. How much easier the process would be with a little extra. It's true. But I won't do it. I've borrow the exact amount of money I can afford. My mortgage payment will be similar to my rent. My house will not be a mansion. It will be a house I can afford. It will be the first debt I've ever taken on.

A lot of people are cutting up their credit cards, declaring, "Never again." But most of us have the power to take control over our own finances. Be stronger than the desire to consume.

Choo-choo!

Here's one small step: Road Trains!

Up to eight vehicles, including cars, trucks, and buses, would all be linked to a lead vehicle. The lead vehicle steers, while the drivers of the other vehicles relax and enjoy the ride. Fuel consumption is cut by 20%, and congestion is cut as well, since vehicles in a road train take up less space.

We're still counting on the coming energy revolution to cut the need for fossil fuels down to nothing, but for the time being, what a great idea. Trials are to begin in Europe in the next few years.